Talk:Discord contest/@comment-39103377-20200217213429
Oh...Oh no, what is this? Who in their right mind would put two different franchises together such as the Hazbin Hotel and Creepypasta in such a sinisterly terrible storyline that can easily be mimicked in three sentences or less? Well, let’s critic this piece of...writing, shall we? 1. Alastor’s Use Of Language - Now, this had to be talked about due to the fact that Alastor, if watched carefully, doesn’t dare to seem vulgar when speaking to his victims/partners in work. Even when he is angered, he remains intimidating yet high class in speech, using what we can label as old-fashioned Standard English and slight Received Pronunciation. Alastor would act calm and civil, no matter his excitement, and watching him behave in this manner towards a child is far from just to include him for the sake of making him appear as a terribly impatient child with a horribly constructed romantic side. 2. Alison’s Romance and Backstory - This was, in my opinion, a disgrace to the Hazbin Hotel fans and for good reason. It is known that if this was an entirely separate character from the Princess Of Demons shown to run the hotel, you need a decent enough plot behind the details of Alison. Alastor, as many can assume, wouldn’t be interested in romance unless it could bring further pain and suffering in his control. And the simple fact that Alison would continue killing without seemingly being under Alastor’s control after she fulfilled her purpose of the revenge? Alison is just this weird and revolting example of a Proxy, especially when Slenderman nor Alastor should have entered the tale. 3. Inclusion of Hazbin Hotel characters and Other Creepypastas - Self explanatory. 4. SPaG! - Okay, this is where we check to see if there are mistakes in Spelling, Punctuation and Grammar. But, let’s count how many times the dialogue is mixed into the writing. This makes our current total of mistakes to 20. Now, for the spelling errors, it is a fact that when you group the dialogue with the writing, you are bound to forget capital letters and correct punctuation. That’s why Alastor is spelt Alaster a few times, dialogue isn’t written how it is meant to be and the build up of the story is barely understandable. So, in total, the sin-sand count for my hourglass is indeed between 20-30. Recommendation? Proof-read work and slow down! Don’t rush your work or else you’ll ruin and structure of how things are meant to be executed. So much potential was spoilt by the fact even I could tell the work made here was made in an hour or less. 4. Police Report Lacking - I understand that police wouldn’t wish to release too much information to create fear within the public. But, really? They allow the ever growing fear of a self proclaimed killer on the loose arrive on this report and then about the location in which a family of three all had either missing or torn hearts...but won’t go further? So, no areas investigated or isolated? No neighbours reporting any accounts of strange things with the victims or anything else seeming off about the victims days prior to the murder? This is why we view how police truly handle serious matters if this case is linked to a serial killer known by many to tear our hearts for their dinner. Overall, this Creepypasta earns a solid 1.3/10. The concept is too vague to be seen as well thought-out enough for higher ratings, the fact that I have to base this mysterious character Alastor/Alaster from the famous character of Hazbin Hotel: Alastor and the idea that these types of stories attempt to include the poor Creepypasta Slenderman in the laziest fashion yet.